Waiting. Stillness. Quiet.
Noiseless. Silent. Restrained.
Inaudible. Stagnant. Inactive.
Idle. Subtle. Calm.
Tranquil. Peaceful. Restful.
Could you feel your resistance in the beginning to say and feel these words? A soul tug that says 'don't even think about it'. We are confronted everyday with the choice to compulsively seek out ways to ignore the inner knowing that we must embrace this 'mercifully being with myself' part of the widow journey. The quiet, silent nights, sitting in your car, hiding in your house and idle days of not knowing who you are.
Realizing our instinctive nature to be 'quickaholics' is our first step to knowing we are in a different consciousness on this earth (as if the shock of loss wasn't enough). We are addicted to and find deep seated resistance to allow our life to teach us what we are here to become. Instead, we watch TV, we work, we party, we brush it off, we're busy, we solve problems with every bit of knowledge we can muster up. We read, hear speakers and process well intentioned information for days, months, years.....and yet, one day, you must wake up, get quiet and face ourselves. Getting to the 'doing' and 'being' takes courage and a warrior spirit.
When that happens, we can see how the quick, fast shortcut just doesn't scratch the surface to the deep inner work that is going on everyday. We are addicted and turn back many times because, the future is scary, maybe painful and unknowing- we can't see the end. G.K. Chesterton said 'When we keep the line moving forward at the expense of inward motion, something deep within us "walks backwards".
It's in this moment, you have the greatest potential to move forward, to generate enormous power drawn from that place within you begging to be heard if you will simply honor the 'silent journey'. Maybe this will take some time to become 'acceptable' to you, but I believe, practice makes perfect. Keep trying to be comfortable with the quiet and DO SOMETHING with it. Journal, step into nature, draw, do a puzzle, but just 'be' with yourself in a nurturing way.
I know that the last thing you want to do is be alone, but this is a different kind of alone. This is a beginning, not an ending.
It's about getting to the 'doing' and 'being' instead of wondering and hoping. I'm talking to you, an intelligent, resourceful person who has endured great loss and experienced great love. You are definitely capable of this too.
First, realize, we all find ways to hide our emotions. It's natural survival. But it will eat you alive and suck the very life you are looking for if you give it too much hospitality.
Second, shift your mind from accepting and receiving from any outside source and instead, sit with you, in quiet and wait 5 min the first time, 7 min the second time and so on. All progress in life, takes discipline and consistency. When you lean into what centers you, your center responds like a magnet and you'll never let go because its your anchor.
I'm curious if you know what centers you? My challenge for you today is to turn away from the 'busyness of life' where that predominant negative voice in your head exists and look towards the 'silence in life' to find the voice trying to be heard that is your inner lifeforce. With a trillion people on earth, one God with many dogmas and doctrines, you owe it to yourself to be honest at what genuinely brings you peace. You have your own unique recipe.
I don't know what yours is, I only know mine. It's been a twisty path for sure and while books, speakers, inspiration helped quench my thirst, when it came down to it, the voice inside me spoke great truth and I believe that voice is a gift of divinity. Knowing you are divinely loved, chosen for great purpose means you don't have to rush to find it. It's already in you.
Go look in the mirror, look into your eyes, you are amazing. It is there in the silence, in the honesty that brings back your aliveness. Let the words flow out, hear them, own them, honor them, record them and live them.
We all want to run from the pain and grief. But the running is actually taking us away from finding the very peace that exists in your own stillness. What do you hear?
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