Friday, January 25, 2013

Duties, Dreams and Yoga

         "Life sure can be a mix of duties, dreams & yoga"

Yesterday, my day started like most days- at 6am. Coffee, breakfast and making school lunches for both my high school daughters who are gone half the day. 

Then, I began working. Just to catch you up- last week, for some reason my calendar would not sync between my iPhone & Laptop any longer. This alone is a nightmare since I completely rely on having this information for calls, interior design appts, MWC meetings and carpool pick ups.

So, the nice folks at the Apple store said the first thing in order was adding more memory- $57. 

Then, updating software on my Apple laptop to the most current operating system- Mountain Lion $20. 

At the store, they made it sound simple and I had faith in my 5 yr old MacbookPro, we've been through so much together. It took longer than I thought. Overnight.

For those of you who have done this, you know its like learning a whole new computer in a way. I've been down this road but this time, my email wouldn't accept any of the incoming or outgoing information. I spent an hour and 3 ppl at AT&T, then another 2 hrs at the Apple store which ending in them suggesting I change my email servers from a POP format to a IMAP format since all new technology is headed that way. 

Then came confusion: iCloud, user names, passwords, SSL, ports, connectivity, incoming, outgoing, preferences, resets, enabling.

6 hrs later, I still couldn't get my email and every google search produced zero solutions. The Apple store was baffled, I was frustrated. I finally created a gmail account and had my main 13 yr old email (which most of everything I do is connected to) forwarded via gmail. Long story short, to change this one old email will probably result in 2-3 full days of work making sure everything I do is functioning properly.

I know I've missed some of your emails and I'm sorry. I work very fast & hard each day from 6am-11pm most days, Friday is my toughest & tiring day. But this week, Thursday was!!

It's not just the frustration of technology, it's also the deeper fact that my former boyfriend used to help me with these things but I couldn't call on him, that didn't feel right. I needed food in my frig, I missed sending my nieces birthday card, my extensive to-do-list didn't have any boxes checked off as done, clients were calling and I missed an appointment. On top of that, I promised to do something just to nurture me everyday and lately that has meant Bikram Yoga at 4pm, before I make dinner for my family gets home. 

I was still at the Apple store figuring this out at 3pm and stood up and said 'I have to go'. I needed to be nurtured, like I promised. Had I not given up enough of myself to this world today? 

So, I drove in heavy traffic across town, screeching in my driveway to throw on some yoga pants & fill my water bottle. I hit every red light......ugh. 

But I made it with 5 seconds to spare. I went from 100 miles an hour to a heated yoga room. 

I don't know if you've ever taken Bikram Yoga before, but it's the 105 degree HOT yoga. You sweat....a lot. Kinda gross at first, but refreshing in so many ways afterwards. You focus on ONE thing...YOU. Mind, body + spirit! The poses are the challenge, each individual attempts the best their body can hold the pose with mental fortitude and spiritual depth. There is no judgement and every body type striving for balance. I love it. 

The class is 90 minutes long and around 73 minutes I get a natural high and tingling in the top of my head, like the stress of the world has been lifted. 

Well, yesterday, I had a powerful urge to start crying at 73 minutes. I've never felt that. But I resisted and kept focusing on connecting inward and the promise I made to myself to do something just for me. I felt like today I had to FIGHT for that!! I mean, who else will, if I don't....right? 

I continued. Determined. 

At the end of class, you lay quiet for 2 minutes + with the lights lowered and allow your heart rate to return to normal. I almost always pray and thank God for all he gives to me, including the peace I feel in the moment. Drenched in sweat, pouring down every angle of my body....the tears came flowing out. I had let go and let God again. 

I mean, crying in public! No one could see and if they could, they would have thought it was sweat anyway ...I laughed a little at how bizarre this whole day had become. How life presents struggles and how I choose to face them, how sometimes you have to say 'enough' and do what it takes to mean it, how keeping promises to myself may mean that I push myself beyond my own abilities not knowing if I will succeed. 

Life is such a balance, but knowing how to create boundaries and when to say 'yes' and 'no' are two lessons that I believe get you there. It's one of the hard ones, but so necessary in this journey. Having helpful mentors like One Fit Widow/ Michelle Steinke, Second Firsts/Christina Rasmussen and Soul Coaching/ Michele Lessirard in my life has taught me this in my 13 yrs of being widowed. 

I have learned peace + balance doesn't come from anything external, material....ANYTHING! It's all an internal knowing, divine connection to our greatest purpose given to us by God at birth and that is to do what the soul is urging you to BECOME for the worlds sake. You have something to unique to offer that no one else can! Will you do what it takes to find out what that is? Will you keep looking for it?

For me, creating MWC is part of his plan for me and I resisted it a long time, until last year. We know each other because I finally said yes. There is so much out there to distract us until we answer our calling. 

I laid there 5 minutes with tears coming down. It felt good. I realized that the main reason why I was frustrated was I didn't want to disappoint anyone....myself, my clients, my friends & family and especially from Modern Widows Club! I love you all!! Not responding or missing an email I felt was made me realize once again just how human I am. And how much we all need each other as mentors/ mentees and the last thing we all want is to feel forgotten. 

So, today with fresh eyes, please forgive me if I dropped the ball in anyway. I will get back to a place where all electronics are fully functioning here and balance will be restored. All your well wishes & prayers stated on Facebook worked! 

Picking myself up by the boot straps and moving forward!
Carolyn Moor
MWC Founder & Friend