Crack of Dawn

I often wonder about other peoples lives. 

Mostly when I've been awakened at 6am by an iphone alarm tone to make two lunches, drink a cleansing green protein shake with vitamins for breakfast and stumbling to find my flip flops as I run out the door at 6:45am with my teen daughters headed to drop them off at two different locations 5 miles apart. 

I'm the first person out of their driveway in the dark. I see the lights on in homes where I know their life is a bit easier, the overall workload of life is more equally distributed and there is more help in general to sustain, manage and support. 

I keep driving, talking with my daughters in the short one hour I have with them in the morning. I won't see them again for 12 hrs with a busy school life and both involved in rowing after school. They are usually very hungry and by 6:45pm, I will return to this role as provider. But until then, my life speeds up. 

The crack of dawn has passed and now, I am faced with choices. I can focus on fitness, a long house to-do list, my Modern Widows Club world, design job #1, design job #2, bills, teachers homework calendar for my daughters, mail, laundry, cleaning out my car, relax, read, organize, write or go back to bed. 

This morning, I choose to write down the blog post that I just rehearsed in my head as I drove home thinking about some future Dunkin Donuts Hazelnut coffee and my life.....as a widow. A single mom raising two girls since they were 2 and 4 years old. It's been a long, winding road full of celebrations, tears, triumphs, failures,  blessings and amazing surprises. 

I could write a pretty story here but the truth is, this life is difficult and riddled with challenges at every turn. Every day I awaken and know I'm behind before I even start. No one needs to tell me or talk me out of this. No fancy inspirational quote on Facebook is going to convince me any differently. I know the heartache of loosing a beloved spouse and then two weeks later everyone you know leaves and I'm on my own for the next 12 years to raise & financially support my daughters. It takes hard work, determination and looking in the right places for answers. 

We are brought up to believe that God, family, neighbors or government will be there for us, but from my experience God is the only one you can truly depend on. For us, family comes around occasionally for holidays, most often wanting us to travel to them, but there is a difference in expecting someone to be there after tragedy and knowing no one will be.

I greatly admire families who help each other in ways that are so beautiful it causes me to cry in seclusion from wanting this sometimes. But, in reality, I knew my family wouldn't be there for me, so I haven't used any energy trying to make them be something they aren't. I accepted the way it was, and spent my limited energy towards solutions and a life worth living for us. I became the leader we needed by living a no excuse life. 

Boldly and bravely, many times making decisions with my gut and vulnerable to the unknown. 

I created a family that has been there every step of the way with Modern Widows Club, my women's group C-LOVE, my church, lots of people I love who care for us deeply. It has nurtured me and I continue to fight the good fight because I know the sweetness of the rewards. 

In a days time, I exercise, cook, work, drive, manage, organize, create, garden, solve, talk, negotiate, produce, think, grow, try, pray, resolve, clean, dream, contemplate, discover, cry, breathe, love, mentor, remember, coordinate, inspire, wonder.....the list goes on. I go for 16 hrs long....every day.... dividing my time between all things that I manage and some that manage me. 

I don't lunch with ladies, play tennis, ride horses, play golf or do anything where time is of essence. Leisure means 'getting behind' for me. I catch it in between stop lights checking emails or texting a friend or 10 minutes sitting on my front porch before the girls get home at night. I take it whenever I can believe me!

I did that this weekend for my daughters birthday and now our cupboards are bare for lunches, I haven't made it to the gym, the laundry is piled up and I'm behind at work. 

When you wake up behind every day, taking time off means your return to reality is a very tough trek up 'responsibility mountain'. So, I try to stay on course with what I know works. Exercise & supplements for stamina, creativity & work for vigorous income and crack of dawn driving with my daughters & nighttime dinner then homework for love. 

I pray I can keep my small dwindling savings and college funds, my home, my vehicle, my insurance policies and food on our table. I don't take any of this for granted because I know it only takes a moment for life to change like you knew it before.  

I know no one is coming to rescue me...that person is ME! (I have a lot of faith in me and I know God keeps me close in his hands). I've been witness to the fact there is a big difference in talking about faith and living solely by faith. If you want to know what 'that' is really like, follow me around for a day starting at the crack of dawn.  

I'll keep on dreaming between all these realities and it is enough for today. 

Semper Fi = Always Faithful.

Sincerly,

Carolyn Moor

Always Wear Your Invisible Crown

Anyone who has found themselves at the crossroads in life knows it's a perspective shifting experience. An invisible portal into another world that is shaking things up for you whether you want it or not.

Somewhere along the line for me, I realized something interesting that I always share when I mentor other widows....that we are wearing invisible crowns handed to us from a divine place of honor that is very misunderstood in the beginning.

You see, I was a queen, but not in the sense that we usually think of a queen. I certainly was not being pampered or waited on hand and foot, but I was in charge of something vitally important and regal. And that is- this one life that God has blessed me with.

I reluctantly, yet finally, accepted my crown and have spent many years collecting jewels that I swear people can actually see now. Like any crown you've ever seen, it is comprised of two key ingredients: metal & jewels.

These two components have great symbolism if you think about it.

 Iron, as in 'iron sharpens iron', is symbolic for spiritual, unseen guides- spirits, saints, G-d, Jesus, angels,  fill in the blank _______ are quite literally around you at all times.... you are never alone. This guidance is omnipresent and literally holds us up in times when we need the borrowed strength. It is our court of majesty.

These spiritual guides are our very own 'divine net' which is meant to catch you if you fall, as opposed to, constrict you from moving along in this mission. Recognizing when we feel stuck in life, trapped in a scenario is the exact moment you need to visualize your 'net' differently. Are you stuck or free to fly? Which is it? You are the queen of your court...rule the land.

When you were born, you were uniquely encoded with the likeness of God in the image of man...some call this the soul essence and this essence gives you a direct lineage for the inborn knowingness to unlock your own spiritual potential to fly. In jumping off the springboard of life, you instinctively know there is a net to catch you, and when you do, you discover new jewels of wisdom, new heights of adventure and your own spiritual core. You find jewels like peace, joy and love.

Just as jewels (real precious stones) develop under pressure, so will your ownership of certain jewels that will be placed upon your invisible crown. Large and small, the design will be created.

That saying 'she has light in her eyes' very much applies here. As a modern widow, being aware of the light giving quality in your eyes is very important to get back again. Look into a persons eyes (mine happen to be green) and tell me, can you see their soul?

You are the queen, the princess of your own domain. You are on a royal mission possible, damn it. Quite simply, as a widow, you have been chosen for this jewel scavenger hunt. I'm afraid it didn't just happen randomly, you were 'blessed and honored with this crown'....there was a divineness, a knowing that you would heed the call and God knew you would claim it someday...is today that day?

Unfortunately, when you don't claim it and instead refuse to stand up, answer, bravely walk into the unknown of your own life--your light will become a mere flicker....you become dim, shadow, you grow dark, which usually exhibits itself outwardly as depression, fear, resistance, uncertainty, hesitation, indecision, saying 'no' when you 'know' you should say yes. In this state, you are running backwards away from your fate instead of stepping forwards towards your royal destiny.

Stepping forwards may mean getting out of bed, driving yourself to a friend who listens, picking up the phone to sign up for that class you've always wanted to take. It's doing anything other than sitting still with your thoughts. Move it or loose it.....after all, you've got jewels to excavate and a beautiful design in process.

I'm inviting you to own your invisible crown today. Upon falling asleep this evening, just quietly say to yourself 'Where am I needed as I wear this invisible crown?' The subconscious will respond mysteriously.... abundantly... surprisingly, you are on your way to finding experiences that are nothing short of fullness, beauty, gratitude and life. The shining of your prisms are needed in this world, it matters tremendously how you choose to wear this crown.

Shining in Gratitude,

Carolyn Moor

Modern Widows Club

Our online magazine is under construction- to be launched soon....we promise. 

What could have been.

As I sit here and write this post, I wonder where you are at this moment. I wonder how many months, or years it has been since you lost someone you love. In particularly this week, the death anniversary of my late husband, I find myself remembering all the things that 'could have been'. 

Father daughter dances. Graduation. Talks about boys. Walking down the aisle. Holding a grandchild for the first time. 

Many thoughts so painfully real that it leaves me unable to breathe. 

This Valentine's Day was my 12th year being a widow. I allow myself to fully feel the loss on this day- to remember what could have been. It hurts. Badly. There's so much I wanted but I will never have. 

After the tears, the photo box overload, the isolation, the writing letters and the intrepid trip down memory lane, I can bravely say I have come to a new place called 'what could be'. 

What could be is at the very essence of where Modern Widows Club was born. To me, I was a widow second and a woman first. I needed to get back to being a woman again. So, I decided to see if there were any other women like me, who thought like this. And you know what? I found them. You are probably one of them, maybe you know one. 

Let me share some of the 'what could be' thoughts I discovered at our MWC: Social Hour last night around the fire.

~It's ok to say 'I'm happy' and not feel guilty. It's ok to change your mind tomorrow. 

~MWC is a destination along your journey.

~Your sisters at MWC are fanning your inner flame that will become a glowing fire.

~We are unassuming heroines with blessed wounds that have shaped our character.

~When it feels like nothing is happening, something actually is happening, you just don't know it yet. 

~With dating again, the options are unlimited. Becoming at peace with the fact you may or may not have another partner in life just may save you from making a serious mistake. What is important to remember is you loved in this life and be thankful it happened to you.

~Plant a lot of seeds in your life. Some will grow fast, some won't.

~You are first, a woman, second, a widow. Become it. 

~At MWC, we show each other our authentic selves --even when we don't know who that is!

~Widows who focus on being a woman can be uplifting and inspiring to all women who fear widowhood in their future. We become the lighthouse of hope across all boundaries. 

~Sometimes bravely saying 'I'm grateful, but goodbye' to a situation that is not honoring to your life is the best solution. You're going to need a higher power and friends to reach out and make it through. 

The women of Modern Widows Club are wise, brave, relevant and vital to society. They are fragile and yet strong. They are different and it's a good thing. Men want to date them, but they don't even know it. Women look up to them, and they shy away from it. People whisper about widows, and now, we have something to whisper about! 

Become 'what could be'..... 

Breathe again. 

Hope again. 

Peace again. 

Happy again. 

Thrive again. 

Friend again. 

Grateful again.

Yes, we are different, we wear invisible crowns, thank goodness. 

Carolyn Moor

Modern Widows Club- 

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A Modern Widow. Does she look like you thought?