Always Wear Your Invisible Crown

Anyone who has found themselves at the crossroads in life knows it's a perspective shifting experience. An invisible portal into another world that is shaking things up for you whether you want it or not.

Somewhere along the line for me, I realized something interesting that I always share when I mentor other widows....that we are wearing invisible crowns handed to us from a divine place of honor that is very misunderstood in the beginning.

You see, I was a queen, but not in the sense that we usually think of a queen. I certainly was not being pampered or waited on hand and foot, but I was in charge of something vitally important and regal. And that is- this one life that God has blessed me with.

I reluctantly, yet finally, accepted my crown and have spent many years collecting jewels that I swear people can actually see now. Like any crown you've ever seen, it is comprised of two key ingredients: metal & jewels.

These two components have great symbolism if you think about it.

 Iron, as in 'iron sharpens iron', is symbolic for spiritual, unseen guides- spirits, saints, G-d, Jesus, angels,  fill in the blank _______ are quite literally around you at all times.... you are never alone. This guidance is omnipresent and literally holds us up in times when we need the borrowed strength. It is our court of majesty.

These spiritual guides are our very own 'divine net' which is meant to catch you if you fall, as opposed to, constrict you from moving along in this mission. Recognizing when we feel stuck in life, trapped in a scenario is the exact moment you need to visualize your 'net' differently. Are you stuck or free to fly? Which is it? You are the queen of your court...rule the land.

When you were born, you were uniquely encoded with the likeness of God in the image of man...some call this the soul essence and this essence gives you a direct lineage for the inborn knowingness to unlock your own spiritual potential to fly. In jumping off the springboard of life, you instinctively know there is a net to catch you, and when you do, you discover new jewels of wisdom, new heights of adventure and your own spiritual core. You find jewels like peace, joy and love.

Just as jewels (real precious stones) develop under pressure, so will your ownership of certain jewels that will be placed upon your invisible crown. Large and small, the design will be created.

That saying 'she has light in her eyes' very much applies here. As a modern widow, being aware of the light giving quality in your eyes is very important to get back again. Look into a persons eyes (mine happen to be green) and tell me, can you see their soul?

You are the queen, the princess of your own domain. You are on a royal mission possible, damn it. Quite simply, as a widow, you have been chosen for this jewel scavenger hunt. I'm afraid it didn't just happen randomly, you were 'blessed and honored with this crown'....there was a divineness, a knowing that you would heed the call and God knew you would claim it someday...is today that day?

Unfortunately, when you don't claim it and instead refuse to stand up, answer, bravely walk into the unknown of your own life--your light will become a mere flicker....you become dim, shadow, you grow dark, which usually exhibits itself outwardly as depression, fear, resistance, uncertainty, hesitation, indecision, saying 'no' when you 'know' you should say yes. In this state, you are running backwards away from your fate instead of stepping forwards towards your royal destiny.

Stepping forwards may mean getting out of bed, driving yourself to a friend who listens, picking up the phone to sign up for that class you've always wanted to take. It's doing anything other than sitting still with your thoughts. Move it or loose it.....after all, you've got jewels to excavate and a beautiful design in process.

I'm inviting you to own your invisible crown today. Upon falling asleep this evening, just quietly say to yourself 'Where am I needed as I wear this invisible crown?' The subconscious will respond mysteriously.... abundantly... surprisingly, you are on your way to finding experiences that are nothing short of fullness, beauty, gratitude and life. The shining of your prisms are needed in this world, it matters tremendously how you choose to wear this crown.

Shining in Gratitude,

Carolyn Moor

Modern Widows Club

Our online magazine is under construction- to be launched soon....we promise. 

Lessons learned @ MWC Social Hour

Last evening was our 3rd monthly MWC: Social Hour in Orlando, FL. Yes, we are a fairly new group that packs a punch and blows the lid off of what life is really like for a modern widow. I closed the door to my home about 12:45am after opening it at 6:00pm. That's just how we do it. 

I was tired, but invigorated and hoped I'd remember half of what nurtured me last night so I could share with you today. Widows as recent as 6 months, 4 yrs, 5 yrs, 10 yrs, 12 yrs and 25 yrs were in the house. We are for every woman at every stage. 

So, here goes. 

Widows deserve surprise gifts, hugs and to know someone out there is thinking of them. 

Widows are gracious hosts because its wonderful to be 'giving back' after needing to be 'given to' for so long. 

No matter how much time and space has occurred since death entered our life, it only takes one reminder, one trigger to take you back there in a milli-second to remind us that life will never be the same. It can become bitter or better, you will have to choose for yourself. 

All of us are struggling with something: relationships, money, jobs, finding purpose. We are on a parallel path with others who truly understand. Finding others is important to being understood when you feel like an alien. 

We kinda know you are tired of hearing about our late husbands, but we are healing while we are talking. We are finding our way in a strange new world. Just find a way to sit and listen to us without dismissing how valuable your silence and receiving is to us. 

Always wear your invisible crown, but of course, when there are REAL crowns around, always wear THOSE! 

Life is full of surprises.

Sometimes a brave new idea will resonate with others deeply in ways only God can comprehend. Our job is to be the hands & feet and make His love a daily offering from your heart. 

Ask and you shall receive. We don't ask for enough of what we deserve. We don't share how we really feel- like how we hate writing thank you notes for favors that friends do constantly for us. Why? Because it makes us relive that memory of WHY we need so much help. As twisted as that sounds, its how we feel sometimes. 

A good laugh is the best medicine. A question was asked "Will there ever be more to do in life than 'pulling the covers' over our heads" Widow response: "I can think of a lot of other good things to do under the covers!" (INSERT HUGE LAUGH)

We all agree that we want 'partnering' again. Marriage? Maybe. That's up to the individual, but we all want someone to want to be with us. To look forward to seeing us, smiling with us, touching each other. We all want what everyone wants. 

We've all lost friends. We've all rejoined with those friends at weddings and funerals. These experiences anchor us to what matters in life. It's important to honor those connections and again feel the simple pleasures of a conversation, warming toes by a fire and planning a "People I Love Party". 

For those of you who were not around the fire last night, a 'People I Love Party' is a party where you invite all those people who you love, all those people who attended your wedding and funeral. But now,  you celebrate this life and love you do have today. Why must we have a life altering event to celebrate a life?

I had this party in 2005. Over 100 of my friends attended, I don't have photos to post to show you, but I'm sure every person who attended remembers. I created nametags that said 'Carolyn loves me because____________________________". So as you approached a stranger, you had a bit of information to learn and share. It was pretty awesome!

You see, life as a widow gives you permission to do life differently. You can have a party like no one else, you can create a group of widows and call it modern. You can do anything.....anything. Just do it. In the 'doing' you will find your next step, next clue to go another day and so on. 

Also, once a widow, always a widow, so reach back. As we learned last night from Anne- a 25 yr widow veteran who attended because  "even after all these years", she hoped to find a group like the Modern Widows Club. 

We are honored to be that for her. I am honored to have such extraordinary new friends. So let's spread the word. 'If it is to be, it is up to me.' 

So grateful for every lady who attending, shared their heart and experiences last evening. 

Looking really forward to teaching you this Saturday, Jan. 21st for our 'Goodbye Shadow + Hello Life' Workshop and 'Surviving to Thriving' Workshop. A few seats are still calling your name. 

Next month, mark your calenders!!!!!

MWC: Social Hour  Feb. 16  to prove 'There is life after love, even when you loose love on Valentine's Day!' I will be sharing tidbits of video from my TLC episode on 'Shalom in the Home' as I discussed Valentine's Day thru the lens of a modern widow. 

It's gonna be good, so keep up here and on Facebook!

Carolyn Moor

 Easy register: modernwidowsclub.com

http://www.modernwidowsclub.comhttp://www.modernwidowsclub.com

Crooked Crown, Crooked Heart

Every person has a story. It is what it is.

In the next few minutes, you can either cruise along here, sum up this Modern Widows Club in a paragraph or two…. or you will read a little further with a bit more peripheral vision and discover what it  looks like when one finds themselves on the fringe.

The fringe is when you feel disoriented at no fault of your own, when your situation precedes you, it’s when you are known and whispered about on the playgrounds or happy hours as ‘that woman who lost her _____‘. Often, your name comes shortly afterwards and that’s alright, we know we force people to imagine their worst nightmare. Financial security gone, helplessness around the house and the long lonely quiet nights. A quandary creeps into the air, we all feel it, but rarely does anyone acknowledge it. If they do, it’s followed by an uncomfortable on-going apology like credits at the end of a movie. Sigh. Please, make it stop!!

Until…… you meet another widow who just ‘gets it‘. When it clicks it clicks. That’s how it feels at ....MWC.                                               

MWC began after a surprising realization and a very innocent conversation last year between two strangers. I needed some professional photos taken and Andi, being a talented photographer, somehow found her way inside my inbox. (Sometimes God uses our God Boxes, aka: Macbook as the messenger.)So, I jumped at the chance to get this task off my to-do list and emailed her back to set up a session within a few days. She arrived, so tall, so beautiful to photograph me. I, so short, so wise (that’s my way of saying older) to get this over with as soon as possible.

She agreed to email the photos later and instead by nightfall, I received this long email saying how she thought we had something in common. It turned out that we were both widows. She twenty something, me forty something. Smile.

Sitting in the bar at Ravenous Pig, Andi told me her story and I shared mine. She was in her 1st year and I was in my 11th year. I could see ‘me’ in her eyes and began to share a word of advice I wished someone had kindly shared with me in my first year. I told her she was wearing an invisible crown. A glorious crown that is only given to those who are chosen. Of course, none of us want to be chosen for this, but I explained that there will come a day when she will know beyond a shadow of doubt that she is loved so profoundly that God chose her for this journey.

  

I described a metaphor for her visualize. “The crown is the iron in which others would sharpen, so stay open to others like us and to all the love in the world. Then, as life presented obstacles and tribulations, beyond those experiences would come amazing insight, those were the jewels. Pick them up and place them on your crown” Only she knows how bright her crown is becoming but I assured her, the more jewels she picked up, the more reflective light she received and would eventually become light herself.

It was a radiant moment, she had never thought of her situation this way. She could only see it as ‘lonely’, not ‘lovely’. She turned to me and said ‘you must be the queen because you shine very bright’. I said ‘I didn’t in the beginning.’

In the book, ‘Broken Open’ by Elizabeth Lesser she talks about this journey. “If we are not willing to confront the truth about ourselves that a loss unearths, we squander a rare and precious opportunity for transformation. Our grief, while deeply felt, runs the risk of becoming a sentimental escape from the most meaningful part of the journey. If we do the hard work of a Phoenix Process, when we lose someone we love- then we find ourselves blessed with more love than we ever knew existed.” In a beautiful poem called “As I Walked Out One Evening”, W. H. Auden expresses what is the essence of the Phoenix Process.

 “O stand, stand at the window

      As the te ars scald and start;

      You shall love your crooked neighbor

      With your crooked heart.”

A heart made crooked through loss and change is a heart that can love the world and its less than perfect people. A woman who lost her husband in the OK City bombings writes, “It is so awful what happened, but it’s a different life for me now. It’s a deeper life. A life of connection to people on a more real level.” This is a process that will reshape your heart and lead you into a deeper life. MWC is on spot with our workshops to lead you there. Are you ready?

So when you see the crown above ‘Modern Widows Club’, know we see your crooked crown and what it means. We’re not in Kansas anymore! Or Oklahoma City, or New York City or New Orleans or…………

As we go forward, we go straight to the heart of love; love for those we lost and love for the life we do have now. In the end, Carolyn and Andi have become great support for each other and now with MWC  ladies. Sitting in Starbucks, the crazy idea came for MWC. What else are we suppose to do? We just had to make this happen. So now our journey together begins, Carolyn wishes she was taller and Andi wishes she was shorter, but together we make the best of what we are given; this life that God has given us to grace others with our sovereignty.

- The Queen, Carolyn Moor

'Ask Carolyn'

‘Ask Carolyn’ Modern Widows Conversation:
12/31/11

Modern Widow:
I just wanted to reach out to you, I think you'll understand what I'm going through. It's been 10 months since Stan died and it's finally hitting me what I lost. I think I numbed it with romance, shopping and distractions. But now I'm remembering how he believed I was his only soul mate, and we shared the conviction that we were meant for each other, and all the joy that brought us. I'm so heartbroken at how it turned out.

It makes me wonder if I've been WRONG about love all along and should just take it all much more casually and not romanticize everything.

I want to get married to my new boyfriend Jerry, but am coming to see that he isn't as sold out to the idea of marriage as I am. And I don't know if I'm right to WANT it all, to want someone that believes I am the ONLY one sent by God to complete him.
Do you know what I mean?

Carolyn:
Thank you for reaching out to me. Numbing is a natural response during the first year and half. Everyone wants what we all experienced the first time we really fall in love. It's quite possibly the first thing we grasp at after loosing someone we loved. It is familiar and safe. So don't be hard on yourself for wanting that.

No one has all the answers about love, I can tell you that. No one on earth at least…. That’s what makes it such a mystery and sought out…you can’t make it happen, it just shows up. You either accept it or run from it.

Jerry is a smart man to be hesitant in marrying you so soon because it has not been a very long time since you experienced such a traumatic life changing moment. Jerry wants to make sure you are in it for him, as well as, he’s probably intuitive enough to know that he might be rebound man.…which only time will tell on that....which means you need to STOP thinking marriage and think 'relationship' instead. Give this some time and space. It's all so new for both of you.

The initial attraction, affection has happened, but now, the real life scenarios are coming into play and that is where REAL relationships are created with depth, friendship, vulnerability, honesty and fortitude.

You are fortunate to have found him and vice versa, just appreciate it for EACH day and not look so far into the future. You are over-thinking this and I'm sure he senses this. Be beautiful, loving, sincere and don't be so attached to the outcome. God has your back and he doesn't need you messing up his plan.

Maybe its Jerry, maybe it’s not. God knows and every day you stay present, you will know too. Love you girl, I hope this helped in some way.

Modern Widow:
Wow, I sure asked the right person! Thank you so much. This is exactly what I needed to HEAR and to KNOW. I have been reading it over and over so I can take it to heart. Headed out for a weekend with Jerry, I'll be sure to keep this in mind! Love you too, and Happy New Year!

***Please feel free to ask Carolyn a question at: carolyn@modernwidowsclub.com
-->All names and locations will always be changed to protect privacy! PLEASE, share our site with another person you know could benefit..it might make their day!


                                                                       ASK CAROLYN ANYTHING.

Blue Holiday Lights

'Oh Christmas tree, O Christmas tree'.....oh, shut up already! 


I used to dread the holidays. Let's just face it. It seemed everyone around me was happy about it and I just wanted it to be o-o-ver....really.... If I was honest with myself.

One year, begrudgingly, I decorated my house in all blue lights. I honestly said to myself, 'OK, I'll put up lights, but only blue lights because I feel soooo blue!'

I had always driven by houses in blue and thought it was so mesmerizing....but I honestly never wanted it for myself. I liked twinkling 'colored lights', they seemed so much happier. 


So as the holiday went by, I started to miss the colored lights. I started to miss 'ME'! And even stranger and funnier, everyone started to ask if I was Jewish (I am not and I dearly love my Jewish friends). 

Although, I thought I was hiding how I felt about my sadness, resistance to see the love & joy that was existent around this time of year, I was clearly sending out a desperate message of 'I'm blue'. I was isolating myself....intentionally.
Well, it's perfectly fine to not know how you feel about the holidays. But somewhere inside of you there is a knowing that others want to be there for you..... to sit, have tea, say they care and share a loving moment. I encourage you to allow as many of these as you can handle. Don't hold back, reach out--> You don't have to be 'blue' alone.


Holiday Hugs,
Carolyn 

                                                           

Always wear your Invisible Crown

Anyone who has found themselves at the crossroads in life knows it's a perspective shifting experience. An invisible portal into another world that is shaking things up for you whether you want it or not.

Somewhere along the line for me, I realized something interesting that I always share when I mentor other widows....that we are wearing invisible crowns handed to us from a divine place of honor that is very misunderstood in the beginning.

You see, I was a queen, but not in the sense that we usually think of a queen. I certainly was not being pampered or waited on hand and foot, but I was in charge of something vitally important and regal. And that is- this one life that God has blessed me with.

I reluctantly, yet finally, accepted my crown and have spent many years collecting jewels that I swear people can actually see now. Like any crown you've ever seen, it is comprised of two key ingredients: metal & jewels.

These two components have great symbolism if you think about it.

 Iron, as in 'iron sharpens iron', is symbolic for spiritual, unseen guides- spirits, saints, G-d, Jesus, angels,  fill in the blank _______ are quite literally around you at all times.... you are never alone. This guidance is omnipresent and literally holds us up in times when we need the borrowed strength. It is our court of majesty.

These spiritual guides are our very own 'divine net' which is meant to catch you if you fall, as opposed to, constrict you from moving along in this mission. Recognizing when we feel stuck in life, trapped in a scenario is the exact moment you need to visualize your 'net' differently. Are you stuck or free to fly? Which is it? You are the queen of your court...rule the land.

When you were born, you were uniquely encoded with the likeness of God in the image of man...some call this the soul essence and this essence gives you a direct lineage for the inborn knowingness to unlock your own spiritual potential to fly. In jumping off the springboard of life, you instinctively know there is a net to catch you, and when you do, you discover new jewels of wisdom, new heights of adventure and your own spiritual core. You find jewels like peace, joy and love.

Just as jewels (real precious stones) develop under pressure, so will your ownership of certain jewels that will be placed upon your invisible crown. Large and small, the design will be created.


That saying 'she has light in her eyes' very much applies here. As a modern widow, being aware of the light giving quality in your eyes is very important to get back again. Look into a persons eyes (mine happen to be green) and tell me, can you see their soul?

You are the queen, the princess of your own domain. You are on a royal mission possible, damn it. Quite simply, as a widow, you have been chosen for this jewel scavenger hunt. I'm afraid it didn't just happen randomly, you were 'blessed and honored with this crown'....there was a divineness, a knowing that you would heed the call and God knew you would claim it someday...is today that day?

Unfortunately, when you don't claim it and instead refuse to stand up, answer, bravely walk into the unknown of your own life--your light will become a mere flicker....you become dim, shadow, you grow dark, which usually exhibits itself outwardly as depression, fear, resistance, uncertainty, hesitation, indecision, saying 'no' when you 'know' you should say yes. In this state, you are running backwards away from your fate instead of stepping forwards towards your royal destiny.

Stepping forwards may mean getting out of bed, driving yourself to a friend who listens, picking up the phone to sign up for that class you've always wanted to take. It's doing anything other than sitting still with your thoughts. Move it or loose it.....after all, you've got jewels to excavate and a beautiful design in process.

I'm inviting you to own your invisible crown today. Upon falling asleep this evening, just quietly say to yourself 'Where am I needed as I wear this invisible crown?' The subconscious will respond mysteriously.... abundantly... surprisingly, you are on your way to finding experiences that are nothing short of fullness, beauty, gratitude and life. The shining of your prisms are needed in this world, it matters tremendously how you choose to wear this crown.

Shining in Gratitude this thanksgiving weekend,
Carolyn
Modern Widows Club

Hope Changes Everything

We wanted to announce the exciting launch of a brand new website called 'Hope Changes Everything'

Hope Changesexists to connect people in the middle of struggles, which have significant spiritual implications, to the power of God's word. We believe that personal stories and scripture hold great potential for both uncovering insights about our own condition and looking beyond circumstances to the hope that is before us. By breaking the isolation that often accompanies trials, we desire to see individuals set free by the truth.
Watch me under the 'DOUBT' section and hear of spiritual doubt and my struggle with loss. 


God Bless You this Thanksgiving Season,
Carolyn Moor

A Stitch in Time

Last evening, we had our second Modern Widows Club Social Hour. It's always intimate, mysterious and I come away with insights that leave me thinking about life on a long highway.

There is one thing for sure, let's just get this straight -- We are widows, it feels like a stigma and we all abhor the title.

In fact, I hesitated starting this group fearing this one emotionally packed word would turn many away who do not want to associate with the startling reality that in fact, they are widows, whether they want to be or admit it, for a while, you are this to the world, so now what?

What do you do when there is no cause, no blame and life just is (or isn't the way you want)?

I could spend hours discussing this, and have many times (I won't bore you). Or I can point out the elephant in the room and say 'we are here'... owning something that we are is part of this journey. Like it or not. No one ever really wants to hear this but some, like me, say it out loud. I do this in the most loving way because, I know when we do not speak of it, it holds the power we have to accept, find peace in the present moment and make our next move. I'm so guilty of spending many years in this 'limbo' stage of not wanting to accept this new way of life. I've given it too much hospitality in my daily choices of how to use the 24 hrs I'm given.

In the early days, I didn't realize how much I allowed the 'past' to occupy my 'present'. But, boy, when I realized it...I literally started a calendar of how I used my time. I divided it up into past, present and future. With practice, I could see how I was using my time and thoughts in each area...and I will tell you, when I'm present, I'm always happier.

I fumbled through it day by day and it was beyond frustrating and my life felt like a tumbleweed. But there are lessons if you stay aware. I'm still doing this and look where I've landed......in a moment with you. Coincidence is God's way of being anonymous. 

Let's talk about tumbleweeds. They are controlled by the wind, they go where they are sent by something unseen. In the beginning, we are very much like this (where is this going?). Although, tumble weeds don't have will power or dreams or responsibilities....I bet if they could talk, they would have some amazing stories.

Because I am optimistic, an avid life learner, I see parallels in nature and the human condition in everything. I believe God created us and this earth to teach each other. You only need to sit, be one with your own silent journey in nature to grasp the magnitude around you in a flower, a mountain view or the sound of a wave hitting shore.

So, I find it simply amazing that even something as insignificant, something so useless as dried up sticks bundled up in a ball can actually inspire me, one stitch of wood at a time.

The point I'm making here....(and I always have a point) is this... Do something with your tumbleweed!

You may feel blown in the wind, but you don't have to feel off course. Bill Hybels confirmed in his book 'Just Walk Across the Room' why groups like MWC are valuable with inspiring this perspective. It's called living a 3D life. Develop friendships, discover stories and discern appropriate next steps.

If that doesn't describe us at MWC, I don't know what does. Together, we are one conversation away from having an eternal impact on someone's life.

All three of the women I spent time with last night, did just that for me. I wish I could post our photo to share but I forget to take one (that's when I know it's a powerful evening and I love that.) I got dressed, I showed up, I opened my heart and allowed myself to enter with zero expectation. Instead, I trusted the 'wind' to take me where I was meant to be. Because of that, I was able to take away these nuggets of wisdom.

~ Sometimes it's hard to hear someone else's story when we are immersed in our own.
Widows should be allowed a grace period to share their story. Our sharing is factual and on a timeline. This is never a quick conversation, nor should it be. Intertwined is our emotional connection and love that we shared, and the love we miss in not being there. A grace period gives us our history, a unique cliff notes version that allows us to envision the 'void' which brought us all together.

~These conversations always move from the objective to the spiritual. Death just does that to ya. Our loved ones and ourselves were in relationship. Those relationships had distinct personality roles: wives, partners, parents etc. It was how you lived and connected as a couple.....but in order to 'honor the void' we eventually come to terms with the realization that we are all soulful spirits, connecting and fulfilling our purpose in this life. The person we lost came into our life to teach us something, they fulfilled their purpose in our life (and theirs) and now we must identify what is our Godly purpose.

We must move from craving what we lost to craving what our life's purpose is today.

~The Golden Thread is HOW and WHAT we fill that 'void' with....just as every day mattered with those we loved and lost, so does every day that you LIVE in this life you honor finding your purpose.

~ Living in the past as if it was now is a false life (even if its in your mind). I know for certain that clinging to false anything creates a shrinking of our own spirit, a shrinking of our highest potential and certainly our growth potential. Author Daniel Day Williams said 'We fear it is all we have. Even our sufferings are familiar and we clutch them because their very familiarity is comforting'.

Grief and overcoming deep sadness isn't always comforting and living in the moment can feel so full of painful uncertainty. But there is a golden thread weaved in and out of your story and it's happening right now, one stitch at a time.  You are taking this moment to be present and read about possibility and that my friend is how it works.

I might be a tumbleweed, but by gosh, I'm gonna paint it gold and shine going down life's highway! Take that Mr. Wind!
Carolyn

NYC State of Mind

A few weeks ago, I took a trek from sunny Florida to the NE for the wedding of my dear friend Rabbi Shmuley. His first born daughter was getting married in a Hasidic event that was sure to open my eyes up to a whole new world...mission accomplished! The veiling and 7 blessings, all so beautifully executed, I witnessed a wedding of pure splendor, joy, love and meaning.

Walking into new experiences seems to be a theme that most widows adopt in this strange new world of flying solo. For me, after 11 yrs now, I've come to accept the walking into, attending and RSVPing as one person....occasionally, I admit that it's not what I want and there are times I must nudge myself to 'go despite the temptation for staying home', because I know, if I go, I will be living life (and surprise myself) and that's why I keep saying YES.

In a wedding as symbolic and ancient as this one, Rabbi Shmuley still took the time to come over and remind me how significant and symbolic it was that I 'showed up'. It was like a loud speaker to all those who know me that I am 'choosing life' and 'celebrating joy' like Rabbi taught me in 2006 on TLC 'Shalom in the Home'. He is so right. I celebrated and I took in all the life I could that night. Giant baby steps.

After that, I visited with a friend, Mary Robinson, who is the founder of Imagine: A Center for Coping with Loss in Westfield, NJ. She was a gracious hostess who gave me a home base. There is no doubt that there is more to this story for us because Mary is determined to start a Modern Widows Club chapter in her area to honor her own mother who was a widow! So stay tuned.

From this home base, I decided to drive into the city with my little rental Chevy HHR and visit MoMA: The Museum of Modern Art.

Now, in my thinking, it sounded as simple as me writing that last sentence. Drive into the city and go to MoMA. I wanted to see the scaled models of the World Trade Center submissions and architecture showing. It was my lucky day because the first Thursday of the month MoMA is open until 8:30...woohoo! What I didn't know is.... this is a very brave decision.....(after the fact, of course). Driving to and around NYC is not for the weak at heart. The point I'm clearly making here is --> sometimes we say Yes and don't know what we are getting ourselves into- but we do it anyway.

Off I go thru the Holland Tunnel....using my GPS on my iPhone, all was well. What I didn't realize is how once you are in NYC the chaos that comes at you so fast is mind boggling. You feel like a vehicle in a pin ball machine suddenly with this energy and force of nature thrust upon you from every direction. Horns honking, bright lights everywhere, people jetting out in front of you, bikes touching your mirrors....oh, and it's nighttime!! I didn't even have the time to stop and think about going back! You just stay in the flow.....

About half way up 6th Avenue, and about 50 times a taxi almost brushed my car metal to metal or me thinking I'm gonna kill a pedestrian, I started thinking that maybe, maybe, I should have bought that extra car insurance protection. Too late now! Onward I must go. I was both mad at myself and exhilarated by my own fearlessness. I could see that I wasn't too far away from MoMA but the traffic was...well,.....horrendous. I think I held my breathe for like 30 minutes, but obviously lived to tell this story!

And worse, I forgot my car charger and my battery was getting low on my phone! 

Onward. 

After 2 hrs of driving, I made it to MoMA. I even found a parking garage across the street, with a vehicle elevator! Yes, I drive my car onto a deck and they take it down...somewhere?! For those of you who know this exists, bare with me, I was mesmerized by this whole experience.  Like a child seeing something new for the first time. The attendant was friendly, we chatted about where I was from (obviously not NYC) and said he'd take great care, then pointing me in the direction of MoMA!

I walked into MoMA with a well deserved smile, bought my tix, had another great convo with a docent and headed to the architectural exhibits up the escalator. Music and wine were flowing in the lobby, multi-lingual conversations all around me, it was obviously date night, open spaces abound and lots of 'living' going on here. 

 I loved every minute. Time stood still.  

Then reality set in. My phone died. I was in NYC without my link to the outside world. I was truly on my own...only one person knew I was there and I didn't know her number from memory. Surprisingly, I didn't panic. I controlled my breathing and had faith that G-D was with me and was always my shelter, no matter what situation I put myself in. It would be alright, go with the flow. I began to strategize about what I did have. I had me. I had a car across the street. I had money. I had a brain. I had nerve. I had until 8:30 before the museum closed. 

I took my time and enjoyed every last minute in the museum until I had to leave...walking across the street to the garage, I asked the attendant where the closest Apple Store was (5 blocks away). I remembered that I had borrowed a wall charger from my friend and asked if I could search to see if it was in my car (downstairs). He obliged and sure enough it was there! Halleluyah. He said I could plug it in and get some charge while enjoying the city. So I plugged it in, resisted the unnerving realization that this stranger now had my car and my phone (my lifelines) in his hands. All I could do was trust a stranger and find something to do alone in the most amazing city in the world!! Haha

So I did. 

I found a grocery store and bought some food- I was hungry after this excursion! I stumbled upon this famous LOVE sculpture by Robert Indiana from 1964. I sat there on the edge alone, but not feeling lonely and ate my dinner while watching New Yorkers pass by. I was observing life from a unique place, a peaceful place that I created for myself. Obstacles will always find their way to me, but what I decide next defines who I am everytime. This is a relationship with myself and my G-d and it is very alive.

Before leaving, I looked back at this sculpture. I made a promise to myself that the next time I come to NYC and sit here, I'd like to be with someone I loved and loved me back. It's a great intention. But today, I was loving me and I was going to live. 

If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere....as the famous NYC saying goes. 

That's living moor alive, 

Carolyn

p.s. I bought eclairs for the garage attendant, he charged my phone up, took great care of my rental, I paid the $47 fee (ouch). I almost made it to my friends house in NJ without my phone dying again.....a few missed exits later and a half way good memory, I made it home....amazingly.  To G-d be the Glory!

Next time, I'm taking the train.