Duties, Dreams and Yoga

         "Life sure can be a mix of duties, dreams & yoga"

Yesterday, my day started like most days- at 6am. Coffee, breakfast and making school lunches for both my high school daughters who are gone half the day. 

Then, I began working. Just to catch you up- last week, for some reason my calendar would not sync between my iPhone & Laptop any longer. This alone is a nightmare since I completely rely on having this information for calls, interior design appts, MWC meetings and carpool pick ups.

So, the nice folks at the Apple store said the first thing in order was adding more memory- $57. 
OK. 

Then, updating software on my Apple laptop to the most current operating system- Mountain Lion $20. 
OK. 

At the store, they made it sound simple and I had faith in my 5 yr old MacbookPro, we've been through so much together. It took longer than I thought. Overnight.

For those of you who have done this, you know its like learning a whole new computer in a way. I've been down this road but this time, my email wouldn't accept any of the incoming or outgoing information. I spent an hour and 3 ppl at AT&T, then another 2 hrs at the Apple store which ending in them suggesting I change my email servers from a POP format to a IMAP format since all new technology is headed that way. 

Then came confusion: iCloud, user names, passwords, SSL, ports, connectivity, incoming, outgoing, preferences, resets, enabling.

6 hrs later, I still couldn't get my email and every google search produced zero solutions. The Apple store was baffled, I was frustrated. I finally created a gmail account and had my main 13 yr old email (which most of everything I do is connected to) forwarded via gmail. Long story short, to change this one old email will probably result in 2-3 full days of work making sure everything I do is functioning properly.

I know I've missed some of your emails and I'm sorry. I work very fast & hard each day from 6am-11pm most days, Friday is my toughest & tiring day. But this week, Thursday was!!

It's not just the frustration of technology, it's also the deeper fact that my former boyfriend used to help me with these things but I couldn't call on him, that didn't feel right. I needed food in my frig, I missed sending my nieces birthday card, my extensive to-do-list didn't have any boxes checked off as done, clients were calling and I missed an appointment. On top of that, I promised to do something just to nurture me everyday and lately that has meant Bikram Yoga at 4pm, before I make dinner for my family gets home. 

I was still at the Apple store figuring this out at 3pm and stood up and said 'I have to go'. I needed to be nurtured, like I promised. Had I not given up enough of myself to this world today? 

So, I drove in heavy traffic across town, screeching in my driveway to throw on some yoga pants & fill my water bottle. I hit every red light......ugh. 

But I made it with 5 seconds to spare. I went from 100 miles an hour to a heated yoga room. 

I don't know if you've ever taken Bikram Yoga before, but it's the 105 degree HOT yoga. You sweat....a lot. Kinda gross at first, but refreshing in so many ways afterwards. You focus on ONE thing...YOU. Mind, body + spirit! The poses are the challenge, each individual attempts the best their body can hold the pose with mental fortitude and spiritual depth. There is no judgement and every body type striving for balance. I love it. 

The class is 90 minutes long and around 73 minutes I get a natural high and tingling in the top of my head, like the stress of the world has been lifted. 

Well, yesterday, I had a powerful urge to start crying at 73 minutes. I've never felt that. But I resisted and kept focusing on connecting inward and the promise I made to myself to do something just for me. I felt like today I had to FIGHT for that!! I mean, who else will, if I don't....right? 

I continued. Determined. 

At the end of class, you lay quiet for 2 minutes + with the lights lowered and allow your heart rate to return to normal. I almost always pray and thank God for all he gives to me, including the peace I feel in the moment. Drenched in sweat, pouring down every angle of my body....the tears came flowing out. I had let go and let God again. 

I mean, crying in public! No one could see and if they could, they would have thought it was sweat anyway ...I laughed a little at how bizarre this whole day had become. How life presents struggles and how I choose to face them, how sometimes you have to say 'enough' and do what it takes to mean it, how keeping promises to myself may mean that I push myself beyond my own abilities not knowing if I will succeed. 

Life is such a balance, but knowing how to create boundaries and when to say 'yes' and 'no' are two lessons that I believe get you there. It's one of the hard ones, but so necessary in this journey. Having helpful mentors like One Fit Widow/ Michelle Steinke, Second Firsts/Christina Rasmussen and Soul Coaching/ Michele Lessirard in my life has taught me this in my 13 yrs of being widowed. 

I have learned peace + balance doesn't come from anything external, material....ANYTHING! It's all an internal knowing, divine connection to our greatest purpose given to us by God at birth and that is to do what the soul is urging you to BECOME for the worlds sake. You have something to unique to offer that no one else can! Will you do what it takes to find out what that is? Will you keep looking for it?

For me, creating MWC is part of his plan for me and I resisted it a long time, until last year. We know each other because I finally said yes. There is so much out there to distract us until we answer our calling. 

I laid there 5 minutes with tears coming down. It felt good. I realized that the main reason why I was frustrated was I didn't want to disappoint anyone....myself, my clients, my friends & family and especially from Modern Widows Club! I love you all!! Not responding or missing an email I felt was unacceptable...it made me realize once again just how human I am. And how much we all need each other as mentors/ mentees and the last thing we all want is to feel forgotten. 

So, today with fresh eyes, please forgive me if I dropped the ball in anyway. I will get back to a place where all electronics are fully functioning here and balance will be restored. All your well wishes & prayers stated on Facebook worked! 

Picking myself up by the boot straps and moving forward!
Carolyn Moor
MWC Founder & Friend

Conversations and Kindness have Positive Impact for Widows

One year ago, MWC was conceived and birthed at a Starbucks here in Central FL. Two ladies discussing how they wished there was a way to find more ladies in the area and simply do two things.......

1)- Have conversations that don't occur anywhere else. 
2)- Be kind to one another. 

In the last 12 months, we have done just that. I'd like to share some of the great things that I've experienced this year for having a dream, opening up my heart and home and thinking out of the box a little bit.

Great Thing #1
In January 2012, we began with 3 ladies, who are all still involved with MWC. But now, we have over 60 name tags in our box. Every lady bravely 'showed up' one evening to see what we were all about. They found us by word of mouth, facebook, twitter, meet up or eventbrite. I'd say about half come back on a regular basis when they can, but I like to hope that every woman came and felt some kindness and had a conversation they couldn't have anywhere else. I hope they felt nurtured, encouraged and welcomed.

Great Thing #2
Our Facebook Page keeps growing bigger and bigger everyday and is where we have online conversations about health, finances, relationships, family and faith. I am impressed constantly at the new perspectives I read and the authenticity in every voice. I hope we continue to make a positive impact here. The page is viewed by many non-widows and they come there for support and I think that is a very good thing. I believe every widow is a true hero and deserves a place to shine.

Great Thing #3
After 12 months, 'Modern Widows Club' is officially trademarked with the United States Patent and Trademark Office. We can now use the registered symbol to protect our name legally. After lots of emails, letters and filings, I can finally release my attorney after accomplishing this goal.

Great Thing #4 Several of our ladies got remarried, gave away their daughters without their husbands, authored books (Finding Joy After Loss), learned major new skills of thriving, endured angel-verssaries, lost grief weight, discovered new talents and pursued new dreams. Many of these extraordinary, ordinary courage stories is partly why we wanted to launch an online magazine just for widows, so we can share these phenomenal moments with more of the world. There isn't a day that goes by that a widow doesn't blow me away with her perseverance and grace.

Great Thing #5
We partnered with Servant's Heart Center to bring over 15 Thanksgiving Blessing Boxes to local widows in Orlando, FL and created a relationship that enables us to provide food baskets each week for any Central FL widow in need to feed her family. We are so very grateful for the support, compassion and God's love they have gifted us. One out of town widow brought her kids to volunteer because she was so impressed with their efforts to fulfill James 1:27 in caring for all widows & orphans.

Great Thing #6
I accepted an award on our behalf at the Live Your Legacy Summit in Orlando, FL for supporting widows and designing your legacy through your hardship.

Great Thing #7 
We have actually designed an online magazine, found most of the contributors and slowly working our way to funding this movement (see a glimpse below). We launched a Modern Widows Club campaign on Indiegogo to see if you and more of the world would support us and take an active role at how important it is for widows to have their own magazine highlighting the warrior life we live each day. Just sharing this with your friends or leaving an encouraging helps our visibility- so click the link and say 'we believe'.

While I was on Indiegogo, I found another campaign about widows in India and connected with a young, single 24 yr student named Hanna Blaney who is researching there and shared her photos with me after I personally introduced myself and added a little support to her campaign. Her desire to do something kind for these widows resulted in a 24th birthday celebration where over 85 widows attended and she taught them breathing technics and they ate cake. Hanna said it was the first time many of them smiles during her whole stay in India. Few people of the world care for widows in India and I'm so honored to have stumbled on Hanna's project and hope to share her story as one the first worldwide widowed stories in the magazine. I love how her heart has completely tuned into and provided respect for the needs of poverty stricken and culturally disadvantaged India widows. Talk about being kind and unique conversations!!

We also sent 'Mission LEGOS' to Kenya for underprivileged widows & their children. We hope to contribute more to the Wagoma Women, Orphan and Widows Advocacy Centre in this way. They are located in the Bondo district near Lake Victoria and one of the many forgotten areas outside of Nairobi. The woman you see up close in the photo below is Roseline Orwa- she friended me 6 months ago via Facebook. This woman who is a powerful voice for widows in Kenya, donated her own land and knows first hand the plight and struggle of being widowed with few rights in Africa. Widows are treated like property and often moms encourage their children to run to the bush to prevent inevitable abuse. Yes, they'd rather starve and live in fear than be beat. 

Our first USPS package was presented to the kids (who have never seen LEGOS) on Dec. 28th. We were in AWE and so excited to see these happy faces and the shine in their eyes. 

 

Great Thing #8
We started 2 new MWC Chapters.
Kansas City- Led by Jodie Rodenbaugh and had a get together with 4 ladies at a nearby restaurant. They told me the conversation was an instant click and they couldn't believe how much in common they have all experienced. Not that their lives are all the same, they just know the grief journey and the way the mind thinks in that world. We'll be sharing more of Jodie's story in the coming year, but she was pregnant when her husband Thor passed away during a routine surgery.

Seattle- Led by Cindy Nelson, who attended our MWC: Hello Life, Goodbye Shadow workshop in Jan. 2012. Cindy flew to Orlando, FL so we could meet and I've been honored to observe and mentor her as life turned completely upside down in 2012. Her sheer determination to keep 'choosing life' and 'finding joy' impressed me beyond words. She was forced to move, reestablished her residence and took a long journey through deciding what to keep and what to let go. We've all been there!! I'm honored to have her open her doors this December to a 5 widows and start the MWC conversation and kindness on the other end of the country.

Great Thing #7
With over 200 emails a week, 52 formal Chapter requests, requests for radio/ TV interviews, partnerships with organizations on the horizon, agreements with other inspiring widow leaders across the country- we are going to have some phenomenal movement for 2013. We hope to put a small dent into the world of connecting friends, mentors & advocates while we learn, grow and thrive in this life of widowhood together. Every one has something to bring to the table.
-Second Firsts  -The Mentoring Project  -One Fit Widow  -Servants Heart Center  -New Hope for Kids -Zenspirations -WidowFindsLoveAgain -R.I.S.E -Heart Broken Open Circle -Loss to Launch Event

  

Great Thing #9
I was asked to speak by Christina Rasmussen of Second Firsts at the 'Loss to Launch' Event in Boston, MA Nov 2012. I saw lives transform and be uplifted before my eyes. Christina came to visit MWC in Orlando in August and we love her dearly and know she is genuinely the right person to author her Hay House book launching this year. I also met Kristine Carlson, of 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff' series. Together we will all contribute to our eMWC online magazine coming soon.

I've also been asked to speak at SSLF/ Widowed Village's 2013 Camp Widow East and am considering it. Turning our living spaces into moor alive spaces is a topic close to my heart.
Will any of you be there?

I have to admit, I didn't want anything to do with being near the word 'widow' for many, many years.....and then, I embraced the phenomenal meaning and blessing behind the broken openness, not the word. The sheer, raw, boldness is the widowed life that so many fear and yet, live within, is nothing shy of extraordinary. They are living with their invisible crowns daily. Finding triumph in small and big ways in every possible way.

All I can say is, something is happening here. Loss and Life. If you stick around long enough, you might feel like you are a part of something much bigger than yourself. And this widowed life, may just prove to be the most engaging time of your life. You may find yourself shining in ways you never knew possible.

I can tell you this- if you show up in the life of one widow and truly give from the heart, there is nothing more fulfilling or rewarding when you cause a widow to smile and to see a twinkle in her eyes. THAT is making a blessed difference. That is being the church. That is being pure love in action.

With great love and looking for what God has planned for 2013,
Carolyn Moor

Where's the Love?

A few years ago, I decorated my entire house with blue lights.
Not my normal style of decorating! Subconsciously, I wanted a dramatic life shift because frankly, I didn't feel like plain old white lights or colored lights...I felt blue!! 

It only lasted one year. I realized what I was saying to the world 'leave me alone to be with my pain'. I have to admit, it was a very sad, lonely Christmas that year. I was just being honest everyone.

I even had a few friends ask if I was Jewish...as if the color blue was reserved for such. Honestly, I took that as a great compliment. 

Raised a Christian, yet having found new, wonderful Jewish friends along this journey, I realize now that there is so much beauty in blue for the holidays, especially for Hanukkah, a beautiful sacred celebration time to dedicate ourselves to believing in miracles. 

I've learned that blue can have a multitude of emotions. I choose to see the true blue belief in the lighting of hopeful candles to light my way. I see so much hope being near my Jewish friends as they spend 8 days out of the year at sundown lighting each candle in the nine branched candle holder called the menorah. 

The ninth candle is the one that lights all the others. It's significance is as the 'helper'. As the candles are lit each evening at sundown, blessings and hymns are recited and sung to commemorate miracles. Although I do not understand Hebrew or many parts of the Torah, I can sense the significance in this time of honor for the Jewish culture and the world. 

For Christians like myself, our miracle is in the birth of Our savior Jesus Christ, a miracle of the supernatural. A Way in a Manger that has lit the path for centuries since ancient Bethlehem. 

The parallels of miracles and light have always fascinated me about our opposing theological beliefs. I feel equally loved by both sector of friendships and I believe their hearts are genuinely reciprocal. 

As I sit here today, I have to believe that this 'peace on earth' that I experience seeing holiday lights, candles, traditions and celebrations has to mean something deeper and more relevant in our lives in order to connect to the GREAT LOVE that exists all around us daily, yet especially during this time of year.

We must return to love in this world and we must accept it. By doing so, we are saying "I am worthy of a miracle, a blessing to happen in my life".

Keep the hope alive. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa and Season's Greetings. 

Many blessings to you,

Carolyn Moor

Modern Widows Club 

What does it mean to be a MODERN widow?

As Founder of the fairly new Modern Widows Club, I get emails occasionally asking if someone is 'modern' enough to be included in our group?  The short answer is 'yes'... of course.

Modern is a state of mind, is ageless and for those who are living in the present moment.  

We have ladies (and few men) on our Facebook page and at Social Hours from 22- 80+. We all learn from each other every time we open up and share ourselves. It has become a beautiful thing. 

I guess I created this because I wanted a 'widows' site that wasn't temporary short term support, I wanted and needed true mentorship and advocacy. I wanted to move forward, but I couldn't do that without reaching back too. I hope our club encourages many others to know each of us better in this modern world of living life after loss.  

One thing is certain, this journey is full of experiences we can all share and relate to- don't keep it all to yourself. Whether you are newly widowed, single, remarried, struggling or succeeding, we all have one common reason to know each other, but one even bigger reason to stay together. 

Together, we can bring more understanding, compassion and relevance to our world. It's time we see ourselves as formidable individuals who are true warriors in every way. We are blessed to be thoughtfully honest and caring, having faced death head on, brushing ourselves off, slowly standing up again and keep going everyday. 

You matter at Modern Widows Club. James 1:27 may be an ancient scripture about caring for the widows & orphans in the world, but today we want you to know those words guide and challenge us daily. We make decisions and push the envelope in ways only God knows where our paths are headed in this modern world we share. 

Sincerely with love,
Carolyn Moor
Founder MWC

Thankful for What We Do Have

Seven years ago around this time, I was homeless with two small children. Why? Because Florida had 3 major hurricanes hit within a few months and although, my home did not suffer any damage, I was about to deal with another kind of catastrophe that would take State Farm insurance adjusters over 2 weeks to respond and give me funding and instructions on where to go next after my....

.... accidental house fire.

Few people know about this in my life. I do not write about it in my book 'Living with Something Moor' and unless you were my neighbor at the time or a family member, you probably never heard me talk about it.

Started by a candle off my Master Bedroom when a friend unknowingly set an  inflamed votive near my outdoor porch draperies and a plant with some dry brush. Somehow, it caught on fire while I was downstairs and lit up the east side of my home very quickly. Fortunately, my neighbor saw it from her window as it spread onto my roof and she ran over immediately to help me evacuate my two sleeping children and take them to her house as to spare them the harsh reality about to transpire.

I returned trying to put out the fire myself with no success until the firemen arrived and insisted I leave my home immediately. Leave my valuables, computer, photos. It's hard to explain the devastation of a house fire. The senses are what I remember the most. The smell on everything. The suet smeared felt everywhere. The charred pieces of twisted iron, shattered glass and black water dripping from the ceiling. The silence of any kind of life existence. The voice in my head wondering where I will go now because Thanksgiving was coming.

I needed clothes, underwear, food...I was scared and weight of the world was felt on my shoulders.

My dear neighbor who saved us, a woman I dearly love, invited us to stay in her studio apartment about her garage. A very small space with a full sized bed and guest kitchen ironically looked out onto my burned house across the way. What a new, awful perspective.

My daughters clothes were saved. I washed them and preceded to go about life and take them to school as if it were another normal day. Truth be told, they saw this as an adventure and honestly, my attitude and approach with them was this- 'you keep doing what you do and be kids' and 'I will take care of all this mess as the leader of our family'. No worries. But I was plenty concerned as I laid on that bed unable to move with the tears falling down my face at what to do first. It was paralyzing.

I was struggling once again. Was it not enough to loose my husband 5 years prior? Looking back, that one year of renovating my home, maintaining my business, caring for my daughters solo and simply surviving again gave me a new appreciation for what I do have.

This catastrophe gave my dear friends the opportunity to do kind things for us. I learned to let them do it. My ego was demolished, just like my home. I lost many 'things' and realized those 'things' can be rented and borrowed. As an interior designer, I rented a whole home of furniture in our new rental home around the corner. I found myself making it ok.

The long hours of burning my 'personal candle' at both ends went towards an existence between two homes: one we lived in temporarily and one I owned that we'd move back into once I renovated. It was the worst year of my life! This dream home I loved was designed by both my late husband, an interior architect, and myself, an interior designer like I said. So this renovation was a very new start in many ways for me. I re-designed it the way I wanted, for Carolyn and not the way 'we' were in that house as a couple.

I think you will find it interesting to know that the ONLY area of my home that was damaged comprised of the Master Suite, porch, closet and bathroom I used to share happily with Chad... The area I could not bear sleeping in again after he died. Since then, I had occupied the Guest Bedroom and was quite content being across the hall from my young sleeping daughters. So, I often wonder, why did all this burn away? I believe God was at work here. In many ways, I was forced to move forward and to see what my future would hold.

One year later, a week before Thanksgiving, I moved back into my newly renovated home that was truly all mine. A home I felt was mine to do whatever I wanted from this point forward. I had earned that right fair and square. No one could say I had what I had because of my late husband.....I felt empowered that I was capable and I felt I could accomplish anything!! All my hard work inside and out was paying off. I will always remember this Thanksgiving of GREAT joy and gratitude. I was home once again.

I had let go and let God in this process. I knew without a shadow of doubt what it felt like to live by faith every second of the day. And you know what happened after that? TLC called and I began filming 'Shalom in the Home' right after the last driveway paver was put into place.

A few months after that, I sat next to Oprah on her stage in Chicago and the rest is history. I promised her to always be an inspiration to my girls first and foremost. Today, I'm thankful for what I do have. My daughters, my home, family, friends, Modern Widows Club, CLOVE, neighbors, New Hope for Kids, clients and most of all for God never never letting me go and always fulfilling James 1:27 where I am told that He will provide for the widows and their children. I have personally experienced this. It is beautiful.

So, today when I drive down to Servants Heart Center to pick up 12 Thanksgiving Turkey Baskets and give to my Modern Widows Club ladies, please know, I am very grateful for what I do have and today I am celebrating those who have lost so much. May God bless you and yours this Thanksgiving Day. If I have inspired you to be kind to ONE widow today, I have done my job here. Please find time to be kind to a widow today :)

Much love & hope for the widows in the world,
Carolyn Moor

P.S. One month after Thanksgiving, a tree fell on my house:) After that, I decided it was time to move onto another home and see what the future held for us. Best decision ever!
To be continued......

Live Your Legacy

"Yesterday I was honored to stand in front of a large group of 'Live Your Legacy Summit' attendees to accept the TOP award 'For supporting widows and designing your legacy through your hardship' and be the face of 1 million widows in this country, as well as, over 250 million widows worldwide. I certainly couldn't STAND up there alone and not bring YOU with me." 

The award was for the Orlando 2012 Live Your Legacy Summit hosted by Aurea McGarry, an Emmy Award winning outstanding TV Host whose goal is to uplift anyone who has found their life's passion and making a difference in the lives of others. 

Since Modern Widows Club is fairly new with its humble seeds planted in January 2012, I was very honored to be recognized by a panel of varied individuals (including children) who didn't know me personally but voted based on merit & facts. 

The whole day was a tribute to all inspiring topics. I heard encouragement like this:

- Find Your Truth (Kellie Lightbourne)
- Be Crazy Committed & Doggedly Determined (Coach Jenn Lee)
- L- Let Go & Let God (Woamtec President, Kathleen Hawkins)
  E- Empower Others
  G- Give, Before you Take
  A- Action & Accountability
  C- Cash Flow for You & Others
  Y- You, Take care of You
- Be a 10 Fold Marketer- Think of the good for others first (Marianne Carlson)
- Take care of the vehicle that will take you there- your Body! (Teresa Tapp)
- Never stop believing in yourself (Forbes Riley)

The Legacy Award caught me by surprise as I sat around friends who had come to cheer me on! Why? Because rarely do organizations who support widows get such recognition. Maybe the winds are changing and maybe all the hard work, weekends & nights are paying off. But honestly, if I inspired just ONE person to do something KIND for another widow in this world, I have done my job!!

Amen.

We have much to do together to bring justice, empowerment to the mentors we are becoming and the realistic 'hand up vs. hand down' support for widows worldwide. 
Move forward while reaching back is our motto. I'm honored and will continue to speak up for all of us!

Please share Modern Widows Club with anyone you know, our Facebook page is VERY active (and free). We are continuing to create & raise donations for our online magazine in production by B&C Designers in St. Louis. We will launch this as soon as 7K more is raised. I'm so grateful for the 3K donated so far which has kept the ball rolling with legal trademarking, non-profit filing, designing the wireframe & development costs. 

Here is a sneak peek ----->

Upcoming for MWC:

November 2-4- Chattanooga, TN

Visit Widows Harvest Ministries 

I want to know more about this successful widows movement.

November 10- Boston, MA

Speaking at 'Loss to Launch' with Second Firsts Christina Rasmussen, Kris Carlson of Don't Sweat the Small Stuff and TEDx Coach KC Baker

November 15- Orlando, FL

MWC: Social Hour

Book Signing 'Finding Joy After Loss' with Author and Long standing MWC'er Vashon Sarkisian. We will also discuss sending 1.5 million Lego's to Nairobi, Kenya for a widows orphanage Hope for Orphans Rescue.

November 17- Orlando, FL

Thanksgiving Dinner Baskets distributed 

to all local MWC ladies & their children by Servant's Heart Center. 

Want on the list? Write me at carolyn@modernwidowsclub.com

Love to all of you, thank you for your continual love & support. May God bless you abundantly,

Carolyn Moor

Founder Modern Widows Club

Crack of Dawn

I often wonder about other peoples lives. 

Mostly when I've been awakened at 6am by an iphone alarm tone to make two lunches, drink a cleansing green protein shake with vitamins for breakfast and stumbling to find my flip flops as I run out the door at 6:45am with my teen daughters headed to drop them off at two different locations 5 miles apart. 

I'm the first person out of their driveway in the dark. I see the lights on in homes where I know their life is a bit easier, the overall workload of life is more equally distributed and there is more help in general to sustain, manage and support. 

I keep driving, talking with my daughters in the short one hour I have with them in the morning. I won't see them again for 12 hrs with a busy school life and both involved in rowing after school. They are usually very hungry and by 6:45pm, I will return to this role as provider. But until then, my life speeds up. 

The crack of dawn has passed and now, I am faced with choices. I can focus on fitness, a long house to-do list, my Modern Widows Club world, design job #1, design job #2, bills, teachers homework calendar for my daughters, mail, laundry, cleaning out my car, relax, read, organize, write or go back to bed. 

This morning, I choose to write down the blog post that I just rehearsed in my head as I drove home thinking about some future Dunkin Donuts Hazelnut coffee and my life.....as a widow. A single mom raising two girls since they were 2 and 4 years old. It's been a long, winding road full of celebrations, tears, triumphs, failures,  blessings and amazing surprises. 

I could write a pretty story here but the truth is, this life is difficult and riddled with challenges at every turn. Every day I awaken and know I'm behind before I even start. No one needs to tell me or talk me out of this. No fancy inspirational quote on Facebook is going to convince me any differently. I know the heartache of loosing a beloved spouse and then two weeks later everyone you know leaves and I'm on my own for the next 12 years to raise & financially support my daughters. It takes hard work, determination and looking in the right places for answers. 

We are brought up to believe that God, family, neighbors or government will be there for us, but from my experience God is the only one you can truly depend on. For us, family comes around occasionally for holidays, most often wanting us to travel to them, but there is a difference in expecting someone to be there after tragedy and knowing no one will be.

I greatly admire families who help each other in ways that are so beautiful it causes me to cry in seclusion from wanting this sometimes. But, in reality, I knew my family wouldn't be there for me, so I haven't used any energy trying to make them be something they aren't. I accepted the way it was, and spent my limited energy towards solutions and a life worth living for us. I became the leader we needed by living a no excuse life. 

Boldly and bravely, many times making decisions with my gut and vulnerable to the unknown. 

I created a family that has been there every step of the way with Modern Widows Club, my women's group C-LOVE, my church, lots of people I love who care for us deeply. It has nurtured me and I continue to fight the good fight because I know the sweetness of the rewards. 

In a days time, I exercise, cook, work, drive, manage, organize, create, garden, solve, talk, negotiate, produce, think, grow, try, pray, resolve, clean, dream, contemplate, discover, cry, breathe, love, mentor, remember, coordinate, inspire, wonder.....the list goes on. I go for 16 hrs long....every day.... dividing my time between all things that I manage and some that manage me. 

I don't lunch with ladies, play tennis, ride horses, play golf or do anything where time is of essence. Leisure means 'getting behind' for me. I catch it in between stop lights checking emails or texting a friend or 10 minutes sitting on my front porch before the girls get home at night. I take it whenever I can believe me!

I did that this weekend for my daughters birthday and now our cupboards are bare for lunches, I haven't made it to the gym, the laundry is piled up and I'm behind at work. 

When you wake up behind every day, taking time off means your return to reality is a very tough trek up 'responsibility mountain'. So, I try to stay on course with what I know works. Exercise & supplements for stamina, creativity & work for vigorous income and crack of dawn driving with my daughters & nighttime dinner then homework for love. 

I pray I can keep my small dwindling savings and college funds, my home, my vehicle, my insurance policies and food on our table. I don't take any of this for granted because I know it only takes a moment for life to change like you knew it before.  

I know no one is coming to rescue me...that person is ME! (I have a lot of faith in me and I know God keeps me close in his hands). I've been witness to the fact there is a big difference in talking about faith and living solely by faith. If you want to know what 'that' is really like, follow me around for a day starting at the crack of dawn.  

I'll keep on dreaming between all these realities and it is enough for today. 

Semper Fi = Always Faithful.

Sincerly,

Carolyn Moor