'Ask Carolyn'

‘Ask Carolyn’ Modern Widows Conversation:
12/31/11

Modern Widow:
I just wanted to reach out to you, I think you'll understand what I'm going through. It's been 10 months since Stan died and it's finally hitting me what I lost. I think I numbed it with romance, shopping and distractions. But now I'm remembering how he believed I was his only soul mate, and we shared the conviction that we were meant for each other, and all the joy that brought us. I'm so heartbroken at how it turned out.

It makes me wonder if I've been WRONG about love all along and should just take it all much more casually and not romanticize everything.

I want to get married to my new boyfriend Jerry, but am coming to see that he isn't as sold out to the idea of marriage as I am. And I don't know if I'm right to WANT it all, to want someone that believes I am the ONLY one sent by God to complete him.
Do you know what I mean?

Carolyn:
Thank you for reaching out to me. Numbing is a natural response during the first year and half. Everyone wants what we all experienced the first time we really fall in love. It's quite possibly the first thing we grasp at after loosing someone we loved. It is familiar and safe. So don't be hard on yourself for wanting that.

No one has all the answers about love, I can tell you that. No one on earth at least…. That’s what makes it such a mystery and sought out…you can’t make it happen, it just shows up. You either accept it or run from it.

Jerry is a smart man to be hesitant in marrying you so soon because it has not been a very long time since you experienced such a traumatic life changing moment. Jerry wants to make sure you are in it for him, as well as, he’s probably intuitive enough to know that he might be rebound man.…which only time will tell on that....which means you need to STOP thinking marriage and think 'relationship' instead. Give this some time and space. It's all so new for both of you.

The initial attraction, affection has happened, but now, the real life scenarios are coming into play and that is where REAL relationships are created with depth, friendship, vulnerability, honesty and fortitude.

You are fortunate to have found him and vice versa, just appreciate it for EACH day and not look so far into the future. You are over-thinking this and I'm sure he senses this. Be beautiful, loving, sincere and don't be so attached to the outcome. God has your back and he doesn't need you messing up his plan.

Maybe its Jerry, maybe it’s not. God knows and every day you stay present, you will know too. Love you girl, I hope this helped in some way.

Modern Widow:
Wow, I sure asked the right person! Thank you so much. This is exactly what I needed to HEAR and to KNOW. I have been reading it over and over so I can take it to heart. Headed out for a weekend with Jerry, I'll be sure to keep this in mind! Love you too, and Happy New Year!

***Please feel free to ask Carolyn a question at: carolyn@modernwidowsclub.com
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